Ash Wednesday this year was something it has never, ever been for me. Hilarious. And before you go and get all scandalized, let me explain.
I have a two year old who can’t pronounce the “h” in “ash”.
This wasn’t even discovered until the middle of Ash Wednesday mass, when it suddenly dawned on dear little guy that EVERYONE HAS ASHES.
Of course, being a two year old the best times to share with the world your newest discovery is during the quietest parts of mass. Once Mom, Dad, siblings and Uncle Loogie (long story) have all shuffled and squished back into the pew and a quiet chant is being sung to aid the feeling of repentance.
Sitting plump and cuddly on my lap, Little Guy looked up, from forehead to forehead and announced in perfectly audible levels of volume:
“Oh look! Mommy! Mommy has a*ses!” his little pointer finger jabbed me square in the forehead.
” Yes… shhhhh I know—“
“Mommy has as*es!!” (excited toddler face)
I suddenly realized how this sounded and quickly tried to put his arm down and distract him with a book. I mean, I knew what he was saying…. but to anyone listening it sounded distinctly different.
There would be no distracting the child, however. And in true feelings of penance, I had to sit and listen to his declarations and he went (loudly) through the entire family
“Daddy has as*es!”
“Yes, yes he does… here look at—-“
“Jackie has as*es!”
“Ok, yes he does… that’s nice—-” I started sweating.
“Mia has as*es!”
Pressing his arm down to stop the pointing an declaring. He pulled it free,
“Unka Mikey has as*es”
“Ooooook. That’s good. very good, now look over here–“
Oh but by then it was too late. He realized people sitting behind us and in front of us ALL HAD AS*ES.
Oh. Oh how guilty I felt for wanting to burst out laughing in the middle of Ash Wednesday mass. What kind of a person am I? How much time in purgatory did I just get for the hilarity I was getting out of this moment? I could have never imagined such a scenario.
The car ride home we couldn’t stop cracking up and Little Guy’s innocent, unintended but completely hysterical pun. It’s true though, everyone one of us has as*es.
So it took awhile for the joke to die, and eventually it did. But not without Uncle Loogie throwing in the best pun right as the kids were going to bed.
“Hey you guys,”Loogie called out to them as they scurried out of the bathroom,
“don’t forget to wipe your ashes off!”