Today is the BIG DAY!!

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CSS_Company_LogoToday the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Multi-Tasking Moms Survival Guide is officially on sale at your local Barnes & Noble!

Be sure to stop in, pick it up and spread the news! This book is going to be loaded with funny stories, poems and words to lift any mom’s spirit! Not to mention, a story written by yours truly…. ON PAGE 56! <<(shameless self promotion)

This book is awesome, filled to the brim covering topics like “Making ‘me’ Time”, “Feeding the Family”, “Feeling Guilty”, “Laughing after the Fact”, “Slowing Down” and “Handling Housework Hassles”…. plus many more!

If this sounds like something you or another mom in your life would enjoy than please, help me spread the buzz and get the word out by sharing the news on Facebook or Twitter, by liking this or commenting on Facebook! :)

Enjoy the book!

Everyone Has Ashes

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Ash Wednesday this year was something it has never, ever been for me. Hilarious. And before you go and get all scandalized, let me explain.

I have a two year old who can’t pronounce the “h” in “ash”.

This wasn’t even discovered until the middle of Ash Wednesday mass, when it suddenly dawned on dear little guy that EVERYONE HAS ASHES.

Of course, being a two year old the best times to share with the world your newest discovery is during the quietest parts of mass. Once Mom, Dad, siblings and Uncle Loogie (long story) have all shuffled and squished back into the pew and a quiet chant is being sung to aid the feeling of repentance.

Sitting plump and cuddly on my lap, Little Guy looked up, from forehead to forehead and announced in perfectly audible levels of volume:

“Oh look! Mommy! Mommy has a*ses!” his little pointer finger jabbed me square in the forehead.

” Yes… shhhhh I know—”

“Mommy has as*es!!” (excited toddler face)

I suddenly realized how this sounded and quickly tried to put his arm down and distract him with a book. I mean, I knew what he was saying…. but to anyone listening it sounded distinctly different.

There would be no distracting the child, however. And in true feelings of penance, I had to sit and listen to his declarations and he went (loudly) through the entire family

“Daddy has as*es!”

“Yes, yes he does… here look at—-”

“Jackie has as*es!”

“Ok, yes he does… that’s nice—-” I started sweating.

“Mia has as*es!”

Pressing his arm down to stop the pointing an declaring. He pulled it free,

“Unka Mikey has as*es”

“Ooooook. That’s good. very good, now look over here–”

Oh but by then it was too late. He realized people sitting behind us and in front of us ALL HAD AS*ES.

Oh. Oh how guilty I felt for wanting to burst out laughing in the middle of Ash Wednesday mass. What kind of a person am I? How much time in purgatory did I just get for the hilarity I was getting out of this moment? I could have never imagined such a scenario.

The car ride home we couldn’t stop cracking up and Little Guy’s innocent, unintended but completely hysterical pun. It’s true though, everyone one of us has as*es.

So it took awhile for the joke to die, and eventually it did. But not without Uncle Loogie throwing in the best pun right as the kids were going to bed.

“Hey you guys,”Loogie called out to them as they scurried out of the bathroom,

“don’t forget to wipe your ashes off!”

 

 

 

 

 

A New Religious Order?

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So what would you say if I told you that I had an idea for a new religious order? Well, it may not necessarily be new. But it’s a good idea.

What about a community that you must be at least 18 to join. Your education does not matter. Your debt does not matter.The only requirements are an openness of spirit and a desire to unite yourself totally to the community.

You must take vows publicly, that you are willing to completely give up yourself for the sake of the community. In other words, you vow to be completely at the disposal of the needs of your community. You vow to be Christ to your community.The charism of this community would be service and self-denial.

Part of the rule of this order would be what sets it aside from all the rest. It’s unique rule would be inconstancy. Where other orders have a constancy of rule, set times for prayers, meals, rest, this one would change on a weekly and sometimes daily or even hourly basis. Sometimes the community will toll the bell for your rising at dawn, other times at 7. Sometimes you will have morning prayer, other times, the community will try to distract you from any type of prayer. The rigorous and spontaneous schedule will not allow you to find peace and order in the rule, but instead, force you to overcome any pleasure you once derived from a schedule and learn instead to completely submit yourself to needs of the community.

A constant struggle between self or selfless will be presented to you almost hourly, not always in the same two ways and always sporadic. Thus never allowing the postulant adequate time to anticipate the next moment of penance or prayer.

This is intentional, never knowing meal times, never knowing prayer times, never knowing when rest will begin, if it will begin, how soon it will begin, when the day will start, or what is to be expected of you. Never relying on when the work will be done. But always being ready. This heightened state of preparedness, or readiness for sacrifice is essential and draws the postulant into sometimes an exhausted state of anguish but serves a higher purpose of purification.

Where other orders seek to assist one another in their vocation, this one may at times resist your efforts of help, ignore you, speak rudely to you or make you feel like you aren’t doing enough…this too, serves to purpose to increase in the postulant a deepening of the spirit of humility. That is, at least, the goal. If the postulant takes too much of this to heart, they will create an obstacle in their own spiritual development by spending their time pitying themselves instead of believing that everything the community demands of them is truly for their own sanctification.

This order is rigorous, it would be demanding, and many times may feel like you are doing all the work. It can be very lonely at times, even isolating when you are struggling or falling and you realize the community never stops needing. Not even when you are needing. You must still get up. You must still move on. You must still serve. No days off.

It does sound exhausting but what if I told you that somehow, there was immense peace in this order? That, the more you think you are helping the needs of your community, the more in fact you are helping the needs of yourself? What if I told you that in all the craziness their could be holiness? And that even though it is more demanding than I can even explain here, there is that much more joy than I could possibly explain here.

What do you think now? Still interested? Wait, though! I haven’t told you the name of this order.

I like to call it: Parenthood.

+Have a Blessed Lent +

Five Favorites- Recipe Edition

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five favorties

1.

The only toothpaste we use now

toothpaste

2.

Homemade cough syrup!

oil3.

Perpetual Crock Pot Bone Broth!

bone broth

4.

Amazing baths with ingredients in your kitchen

bath

5.

You need to do this.

dough

How To Offend A Pregnant Woman

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This is a really simple guide for everyone out there that would like to irritate and/or depress a pregnant woman in their life. Maybe it’s your sister, your neighbor, or just some lady at the mall you bump into. Either way if you are trying to get on their bad side, I have got the best one liners out there for you. Of course, it depends on what level of offense you are aiming for. So to make things easier for you, I’ve conveniently organized everything into three offensive categories:  Kinda Annoyed, Really Irritated, and everyone’s favorite Super Offended.

Here are the top things to say or do to offend a pregnant woman:

“Kinda Annoyed”

  1. Stare at pregnant lady’s belly. Ask, “Any day now?” (Extra points for asking this while they are still in the second trimester.)
  2. Ask “When are you due?” to the post-partum Mom. Especially ask this if she is sleep deprived and experiencing baby blues. Make sure you rub her muffin top too, just to make sure and comment on what a big baby it’s going to be.
  3. Comment multiple times in the same conversation on how much you can’t believe she is “showing already”. Do this especially if you are not sure if she is even pregnant. This also packs more punch when stated prior to 12 weeks.
  4. Every time pregnant lady tries to commiserate with you or seek out sympathy, begin each of your responses with the phrase “You think this is bad? Wait until _____________” here feel free to completely diminish her situation, and instead fill her with even more anxiety. Good fill in the blanks include “You have teenagers” “You teach them how to drive” or “They start to talk back!”

 “Really Irritated”

  1. If you spot a pregnant woman waddling through SAMS club or WalMart, quickly snag the last available motorized scooter and cut her off just as she’s rounding the produce aisle. This is more effective if you actually knock her off balance and she grabs onto the apple display, sending fruit and her fury flying.
  2. Walk up to pregnant lady whom you do not know, place both hands on her belly, rub her belly and start speaking Spanish very quickly. Then, pick up her swollen ring finger which she can’t possibly fit her wedding ring on, stare at her finger, then her belly, then her finger. Then, reach into your purse and hand pregnant woman a copy of “JESUS STILL LOVES YOU”
  3. From approximately 30 weeks on, ask via phone, e-mail, text message “Baby yet?” on a daily basis. This can be followed up with “Any signs of labor?” or “Call me if you loose your mucus plug!”
  4. Every time she mentions labor, make sure you launch into your own birth story with as many descriptions as possible. There is never enough information to be shared on this tactic of offense, make sure you include a little bit about the horrible time you had fitting into your clothes again and how you were convinced you would die from a bout of mastitis.

“Super Offended”

  1. Exclaim “Whoa! Is it twins?” To top this off, no matter what pregnant lady answers, be sure to follow up with the question “ARE YOU SURE?”
  2. Stare. Just stare as she passes you, or tries to pass you in the grocery aisle.
  3. Ask, “Are you done?” This question in particular poses a huge benefit of offense if asked while she is waiting to be seen by her OBGYN, after many nights of no sleep, false labor and bathroom runs. Make sure you look sorry for her. No matter what you do, don’t congratulate her.
  4. If you are really aiming to knock your offense out of the park, you can repeatedly pressure your pregnant victim to get off her duff and do things with you. Good options include asking her out to go bowling, complaining how she never hangs out with you anymore, whining as to why she doesn’t want to go play mini golf. (Lots of walking and lots of squatting= this is a recipe to completely offend a pregnant lady, but typically most successful when asked in the 9th month)

Congratulations! You have just successfully mastered the art of offending a pregnant woman. Now go forth and put someone into labor!*

*Note* These tactics are not encouraged by me or endorsed by me at all. These tactics are all real stories. Following these tactics will most definitely add some time onto your stay in Purgatory.

Five Favorites- Mommy Bloggers I want to have lunch with

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five favortiesThese are the top 5 Mommy blogs that I read, and therefore would like to have lunch with as soon as we’re resettled in New York. (Hi all you linked up Mommy bloggers in the area, send me a date in 2015 and lets get lunch!!)

Ellen Johnson from McSisters! A dear friend, first college roomie, fellow bookworm, and blogging diva. She and her 3 sisters chronicle tales of motherhood and wifery with such elegance and ease... I can't think of a cozier blog!

Ellen Johnson from McSisters! A dear friend, first college roomie, fellow bookworm, and blogging diva. She and her 3 sisters chronicle tales of motherhood and wifery with such elegance and ease… I can’t think of a cozier blog!

Hallie Lord from Moxie Wife and host of  Five Favorites! I love her style, I love her pieces on marriage and I am jealous that she's already enjoying the start of spring!

Hallie Lord from Moxie Wife and host of Five Favorites! I love her style, I love her pieces on marriage and I am jealous that she’s already enjoying the start of spring!

Melissa Clayton from Faith in All Times! Founder of a blog dedicated to Catholic women dealing with infertility. She has created a haven for women to share stories of their crosses and thus find the joy and love that comes from bearing them.

Melissa Clayton from Faith in All Times! Founder of a blog dedicated to Catholic women dealing with infertility. She has created a haven for women to share stories of their crosses and thus find the joy and love that comes from bearing them.

Kelly Manotan from This Ain't the Lyceum! Because nobody has made me laugh out loud like she did after her spoof post as a cover girl for her own magazine.  Also, because her smear campaign during the Sheenazing awards was pretty much the most hysterical thing I've ever read.  First virtual best- friend-I've-never-met...  ever. (I know this because she wears adult footie pajamas, too!)

Kelly Manotan from This Ain’t the Lyceum! Because nobody has made me laugh out loud like she did – her smear campaign during the Sheenazing awards was pretty much the most hysterical thing I’ve ever read. First virtual best- friend-I’ve-never-met… ever. (I know this because she wears adult footie pajamas, too!)

Katie from Wellness Mama! She's my number one source for all things healthy. I really can't say enough about her blog. She's intelligent, practical and has five little ones. A far fetch for a a lunch date since she's got like 221,111 followers... but hey, one can wish!

Katie from Wellness Mama! She’s my number one source for all things healthy. I really can’t say enough about her blog. She’s intelligent, practical and has five little ones. A far fetch for a a lunch date since she’s got like 221,111 followers… but hey, one can wish!

 

DIY Vestments from Pillowcases- No Sew!

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This is definitely my first (and probably my last) DIY post because I am not a very crafty person.  The only reason this is even going up on my blog is because of how proud of am that I was able to make this for Chubs for Christmas. It is a perfect project for the lazy Mom out there… er.. I mean the Mom out there who can’t sew (show of hands??) and because it’s no-sew is why it worked out splendid for me!

These are stoles and matching altar cloths I made from pillowcases I found at Goodwill. So I spent about 4 dollars on the pillowcases, one in each liturgical color (green, purple, white, and red) and each case makes one stole and one altar cloth. A little snipping, ripping and clipping and bam! It was done. Sure they aren’t anything to write home about, but for a toddler playing Mass, it gets the job done and it saves YOU precious time so you go back to doing other important things like reading this blog, or wiping down counters again.

In addition to the linens,I am so grateful to have found these free printables from Catholic Inspired! One is a book explaining the different articles of the priest’s vestments, what they are called, what prayer they pray when they put it on— so beautiful! Then I printed off the coloring sheets, and laminated them into a flash card matching game. Of course my favorite was the “What Color is the Priest’s Chasuble?” project! Like I said, I downloaded them, printed them out and laminated them for durability. (Do you have a laminator? This one is $18 and it is awesome!!)

So for under $5 you can make your sons a pretty neat Mass activity kit. And if you scour your local Salvation Army or Goodwill, you can piece together an entire Mass kit for under $20.

First you will need a plain ol' pillowcase, buy a couple extra if you want to practice. Or use some old ones you have hiding in your linen closet.

First you will need a plain ol’ pillowcase, buy a couple extra if you want to practice. Or use some old ones you have hiding in your linen closet.

Cheap at Goodwill!
Cheap at Goodwill!

You want to cut off the open end. In one big, long cut, after the nice seam.

You want to cut off the open end. In one big, long cut, after the nice seam.

Go ahead and cut it off.

Go ahead and cut it off.

Ok, now you should have 2 pieces. One will be the stole and the other, the altar cloth

Ok, now you should have 2 pieces. One will be the stole and the other, the altar cloth

Ok, this is what your piece should look like that you just cut off. Now make sure that seam is at the top.

See this part right here? That seam? Don't cut that, leave that so it hangs nicely over the shoulders. But you are going to cut the stole in half on the opposite end of that.
See this part right here? That seam? Don’t cut that, leave that so it hangs nicely over the shoulders. But you are going to cut the stole in half on the opposite end of that.
And snip the opposite end, with NO seam. Like this. Just snip it in half. Easy peasy.

And snip the opposite end, with NO seam. Like this. Just snip it in half. Easy peasy.

Look at how easy that was!

Look at how easy that was!

Now, you're just going to cut open the pillowcase ( all 3 seams)until it is a square

Now, you’re just going to cut open the pillowcase ( all 3 seams)until it is a square

You can either cut or just rip 3 seams open.

You can either cut or just rip 3 seams open.

That's it!

That’s it!

Now as for the rest of the Mass kit, printables and finished altar cloth products:

Coloring page laminated and turned into a matching game

Coloring page laminated and turned into a matching game

Printed from Catholic Inspired and laminated, hole punched and put an old shower curtain ring through for a flip book!

Printed from Catholic Inspired and laminated, hole punched and put an old shower curtain ring through for a flip book!

All found at Goodwill! The tiny candlesticks held emergency candles (from Dollar Tree) perfectly!

All found at Goodwill! The tiny candlesticks held emergency candles (from Dollar Tree) perfectly!

Snagged this from Michael's on sale for $14. Standing on it works for storage the Mass kit and also as a Tabernacle.

Snagged this from Michael’s on sale for $14. It works for storingthe Mass kit and also when it’s standing up, doubles  as a Tabernacle.

Tabernacle!

Tabernacle!

Finished stoles. I used Dollar Tree  puffy glitter paint to spruce them up... Patent is a candle plate I found at Goodwill

Finished stoles. I used Dollar Tree puffy glitter paint to spruce them up… Patent is a candle plate I found at Goodwill

Everything pictured (except printables and chest) found at Goodwill for about $20

Everything pictured (except printables and chest) found at Goodwill for about $20

Finished product!

Finished product!

And there you go. (Yes, I know he's wearing the wrong vestments, but it's the only one he's got) :)

And there you go. (Yes, I know he’s wearing the wrong vestments, but it’s the only one he’s got) :)