Notes to my future self

Comments 5 Standard
  1. After the birth of a baby, you are going to cry over everything from ordering the wrong pastries to the way the kitchen rug is crooked. It’s ok, you will feel normal again in about a week once the hormones have left your body. If they really ever do leave, that is…
  2. You will be hugely emotional constantly reminiscing the birth process, and thinking about how life is going by so fast and sobbing over the fact that these deliciously lovely babies will one day move out of your home. Not to worry, within a week you’ll be tripping over toys, peeling stickers off your refrigerator and listening to them suffocate  your brain with pleads of “Mommy! Mommy!Mooooommmmmmmmyyyyyy!!!”,  and  begging your husband “Wait, they ARE going to move out someday, right?!”
  3. Umbilical cord stumps are really nasty looking.
  4. I’m sure there are plenty of other Moms out there just as exhausted as you, so don’t freak out when you can’t figure out Blues Clues before your 3 year old. It’s not an accurate reflection of your intellect…I mean, seriously you went to college. Duh.
  5. Apparently a new study shows that Moms who ate chocolate or drank coffee every day have more laid back kids. So can you imagine how chilled out yours will be if you do both?? Bottoms up to that new Iced Mocha Latte at Dunkin.
  6. It is possible to get your white sofas white again. It’s called buying new couches.
  7. Letting your 2 year old son watch LOST with you does not mean you are a lazy parent it just means your grooming him with more superior survival skills than his Blues Clues watching sister. Seriously now, finding paw prints or hunting wild boar. You tell me what’s more useful in life.
  8. Coffee really doesn’t stunt their growth. Does it?
  9. Just because every time your son sees a cow he says “monkey” and when he sees a bear he says “moo” doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means you have a lot going on in your life right now. Like watching LOST.
  10. Hooray! Guess what? There actually is a carpet cleaner that can take hot pink marker out of a white carpet. (which brings us to….)
  11. Mom is always right. You must stop buying white furniture, tablecloths, curtains and carpets already. It’s suicide with toddlers.
  12. It’s not that you don’t have friends. It’s just that you keep forgetting to plug the darn phone back in after naps.
  13. Do not feel guilty about all those so called “children’s books” you hide that are longer than the Bible. Who the heck is the children’s author that writes these novels anyway? Clearly, they don’t read books to their kids at the end of a long day. Either that or they’re functioning on way more Mocha Lattes than you are.
  14. Likewise, don’t feel bad about all those musical toys you keep hiding behind the couch. It’s more important your kids have a Mom who’s sane and nothing makes you more insane than listening to “Elmo can use the potty” a bagillion times an hour.
  15. On that note. It’s time to put your foot down with the gift giving. Please, thanks but no thanks for the musical pianos, tickle me elmos, and other instruments of Mommy torture you give my kids. Also, a huge round of applause to the uncle who gave us the baby doll that pees, poops, and cries when it needs to eat. I now have justified reasoning for drinking wine at 8am.
  16. Lamaze comes in handy for pretty much any aggravating situation in life. Like when you finally take a shower for the first time all day at 6pm, hand off the kids to their father, stick a frozen pot pie in the oven and escape for a mere 8 minutes…only to get out of the shower to hear an obscene amount of hammering and a screaming newborn. Upon opening the bathroom door you find the two older kids are plucking “cherries” (ie: berried garland) apart and sprinkling it all over your bed and suddenly you’re overcome by the wafting smell of burnt food. Come to find out that apparently asking husband “can you watch them for a sec” translates to “now’s a good time to start a picture hanging project” and that yes, the world really doesn’t function without you. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth…think happy thoughts…repeat. If someone asks you (again) whether or not “this is your last baby” just send them the link to this post and laugh at them maniacally.
  17. Your great idea to let the kids watch nothing but musicals can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, they’re not watching cartoons and they’re learning how to carry a tune. On the other hand, your son now tap dances his way into the kitchen shouting “Gene Kelly!!!” any time the topic of Moses, Roses, or Toes(es) comes up.
  18. Ritually plucking the lone black hair that grows out of your chinny chin chin is not only recommended but entirely vital to your dignity, especially before leaving the house to food shop. Nobody wants to bump into the bearded lady involuntarily unless they’re at the county fair.
  19. Is mental exhaustion more painful than childbirth? I think so. About 5 times a day I think, ‘hmm I’d rather be in labor right now. At least after the agony of it all, I get to lay in bed watching tv and sipping apple juice for a few days. Plus someone would be changing MY diaper for a change.’

5 thoughts on “Notes to my future self

  1. HAHAHA, AnneMarie, I totally laughed till my sides hurt through this…I can relate and I only have 2:)! Thanks for the laugh today ! Hope you guys are well!

  2. Ok, first of all, I love stories of Jack the dandy-man and his tap dancing. Makes. my. day. Second of all, I hope hope hope hope you’re right about the coffee and chocolate because I’m much more faithful at fulfilling those dietary requirements (and liberally so) every day than I am with my vitamins. You’re hysterical and I love you. Muah!

  3. O my gosh, #16 is by far my favorite! I wish it would function for a few minutes without us……the picture hanging project, O I hear ya, been there done that! 🙂

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