Courses I wish my college offered

Less about Plato and more about Play-Doh would have been way more beneficial in the field I am now majoring in.

 

That really would have paid off right now:

–Cutting Baby nails 101-

In this course we will practice holding a baby to prevent them from

wriggling away while cutting their nails. We will also identify the differences between nails

and fingertips and the how to cut nails the fastest before someone’s eye gets poked out.

 

-Grocery Shopping 101-

This course familiarizes the student with the different departments in

the grocery store, how to use coupons, ask for rainchecks, and tell if meat is

bad. Students will also gain a greater awareness of budgeting and flyer reading.

–Meal Planning 201-

Building off of grocery shopping, this course deals specifically with

accurate and money saving meal planning. Emphasis on leftovers and beans.

 

-Substition & Equivalents 203–

Can you really use applesauce instead of an egg? Or tofu instead of cheese? Come

find out what other strange replacements you have lurking in the

back of your refrigerator .

 

–Toddler Taste buds 500-

An advanced course, this class takes an in-depth look into the psychology behind

the toddler taste palate. We discover the foods that induce gagging, and learn

creative ways to sneak Omega-3’s into their diet.

 

–The Art of Sleep Training 501-

This is an internship course worth 3 credits. All students must log 100 hours

of sleep training time spent with a homeschooling mother of a newborn.

Students must be able to remain alert and sane throughout the process. No red bull

allowed.

 

-Discipline and Mom guilt 320-

Spanking? Time Out? Grounded? And other

ways to make yourself feel like a loser.

 

–Learning to say “No” 101-

The most fundamental basis of parenthood, and the most difficult to master.

If you find yourself worn out by over-commitments and under-performance (translate: If you

sign up for way too many activities and are just too pooped to poop) this course is for you.

Students must provided their own duct tape for sealing their mouths shut and will be required to

resist volunteering for any committees for the duration of the semester.

 

-Car Travel 800-

This course doesn’t exist because it is impossible to ever become skilled in this area.

No one has mastered it. We couldn’t find any teachers. This course does provide

a panel of clowns to hand out lollypops to your kids and pat you on the back

while laughing hysterically.