The Rules

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The Rule of Self-Esteem

Which is, when one has finally showered and/or clothed thyself in clean, new clothes. Thou shalt be barfed, pooped, or boogered on. Before leaving the house.

The Stocking Rule

If you wear stockings with a skirt or dress to church or a nice event in public, this rule demands that without fail one of your children will walk across your foot, dragging their rubbery soled shoes with them ripping a snag in your stockings. Or they will sit directly behind you while you are kneeling and scrape the back of your calf with their rubber sole. This rule implies that whenever the moment is you will have to stand before the most amount of people publicly, you will be assured to have a hole in the stocking.

The Yeah Right Rule

If you ever find yourself ahead of the game on any household chore. You won’t be. This rule, typical in laundry situations, depends on two individuals. One (the doer) of the laundry and the other (the creator) of the laundry. When the Doer finds themselves finished with all the laundry for the week, The Creator will instinctively have “accidents” not once, or twice, but six times within a 24 hour period. Thus ensuring that the Doer will remain enslaved to the washing machine until the next week load of laundry is in the hamper and ready.

The Rule of A Minute to Myself

Whereby, you set up the kids with a show, a snack, have them down for naps, or all of the above and you sneak away for a minute. Usually to reply to an e-mail, or get a glass of water, eat your breakfast or use the toilet. This rule demands that the moment you distract and step away, all hell will break loose. No matter what show you put on, they will be starving, in dire need of orange juice, or just want to ask you pointless questions about your life like “why are you still in pajamas?” Anything to keep your mind from a moments peace. They are programmed to loose all interest in any activity the minute they realize you are selfishly using the bathroom in peace and quiet. How dare you even THINK about taking a poop without someone sitting in there staring at you.

Crisis Rules

This would be only applicable when you are changing the worst dirty diaper of your life, cleaning up some horrendous throw up incident off a mattress or the like. The rule stresses that each or every child will have a major crisis when you are up to your elbows already in crap. And they will stand at your heels making repeated whiny attempts to make sure you understand the very urgency of their crisis…for example, saying “more orange juice” over and over again in your ear until you have a crisis of your own.

The Rule of Middle of the Night

When one child awakens, the other children lie in bed silently and wait until you tuck yourself back into bed. Once you put your head on your pillow and find the perfect spot, the next one wakens, and thus continues in age order until you find yourself completely wide awake and totally unable to go back to bed…at 3am.

The Don’t Wake Daddy Rule

Whereby two, three or more individuals crying in the dead of night will not wake Daddy. But the garbage truck coming by in the morning, when he has forgotten to put out the cans…will.



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