This is a really simple guide for everyone out there that would like to irritate and/or depress a pregnant woman in their life. Maybe it’s your sister, your neighbor, or just some lady at the mall you bump into. Either way if you are trying to get on their bad side, I have got the best one liners out there for you. Of course, it depends on what level of offense you are aiming for. So to make things easier for you, I’ve conveniently organized everything into three offensive categories: Kinda Annoyed, Really Irritated, and everyone’s favorite Super Offended.
Here are the top things to say or do to offend a pregnant woman:
- Stare at pregnant lady’s belly. Ask, “Any day now?” (Extra points for asking this while they are still in the second trimester.)
- Ask “When are you due?” to the post-partum Mom. Especially ask this if she is sleep deprived and experiencing baby blues. Make sure you rub her muffin top too, just to make sure and comment on what a big baby it’s going to be.
- Comment multiple times in the same conversation on how much you can’t believe she is “showing already”. Do this especially if you are not sure if she is even pregnant. This also packs more punch when stated prior to 12 weeks.
- Every time pregnant lady tries to commiserate with you or seek out sympathy, begin each of your responses with the phrase “You think this is bad? Wait until _____________” here feel free to completely diminish her situation, and instead fill her with even more anxiety. Good fill in the blanks include “You have teenagers” “You teach them how to drive” or “They start to talk back!”
- If you spot a pregnant woman waddling through SAMS club or WalMart, quickly snag the last available motorized scooter and cut her off just as she’s rounding the produce aisle. This is more effective if you actually knock her off balance and she grabs onto the apple display, sending fruit and her fury flying.
- Walk up to pregnant lady whom you do not know, place both hands on her belly, rub her belly and start speaking Spanish very quickly. Then, pick up her swollen ring finger which she can’t possibly fit her wedding ring on, stare at her finger, then her belly, then her finger. Then, reach into your purse and hand pregnant woman a copy of “JESUS STILL LOVES YOU”
- From approximately 30 weeks on, ask via phone, e-mail, text message “Baby yet?” on a daily basis. This can be followed up with “Any signs of labor?” or “Call me if you loose your mucus plug!”
- Every time she mentions labor, make sure you launch into your own birth story with as many descriptions as possible. There is never enough information to be shared on this tactic of offense, make sure you include a little bit about the horrible time you had fitting into your clothes again and how you were convinced you would die from a bout of mastitis.
- Exclaim “Whoa! Is it twins?” To top this off, no matter what pregnant lady answers, be sure to follow up with the question “ARE YOU SURE?”
- Stare. Just stare as she passes you, or tries to pass you in the grocery aisle.
- Ask, “Are you done?” This question in particular poses a huge benefit of offense if asked while she is waiting to be seen by her OBGYN, after many nights of no sleep, false labor and bathroom runs. Make sure you look sorry for her. No matter what you do, don’t congratulate her.
- If you are really aiming to knock your offense out of the park, you can repeatedly pressure your pregnant victim to get off her duff and do things with you. Good options include asking her out to go bowling, complaining how she never hangs out with you anymore, whining as to why she doesn’t want to go play mini golf. (Lots of walking and lots of squatting= this is a recipe to completely offend a pregnant lady, but typically most successful when asked in the 9th month)
Congratulations! You have just successfully mastered the art of offending a pregnant woman. Now go forth and put someone into labor!*
*Note* These tactics are not encouraged by me or endorsed by me at all. These tactics are all real stories. Following these tactics will most definitely add some time onto your stay in Purgatory.