Let This Cup Pass

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{{I wrote this about a year ago during a very difficult time following a traumatic birth and postpartum. What I was going through then was very painful but I felt connected more intimately than ever before to the Body of Christ and the cup of suffering we partake in. I share it with each of you now because I hope it will provide comfort to anyone who may need it. You are not alone! }}

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I know where you are. It is so hard right now. This. What you are going through. It very well may be the toughest thing you have ever done. Sometimes, you think to yourself ” I simply cannot go on for another minute. This will break me. I am suffocating under the weight of it. I’m spiraling out of control…”

You feel crazy and sad because this is so very difficult. Will it ever end? Will you be happy again? Will you ever get back to those moments of peaceful joy that you so desperately miss?

People keep telling me there is a light at the end of the tunnel but in some of my darkest moments, I sit there and say no. There is not. There cannot be. Because this suffering is incessant. Non-stop. Every day brings something else.

But there is. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and no matter what, one day at a time I will get through this. And you will get through this. Everything is at the mercy of God’s grace. God who clearly has everything under control and who has been lovingly teaching us that we have nothing under our control. At all. Morning always follows night, and spring always follows even the coldest of winters.

Sometimes we are the 3 year old who is having a meltdown when they see us making soup instead of their usual PBJ for lunch. They cry, they whine, they beg that we don’t forget how to make it, how to cut it…which plate is theirs. And of course we are getting around to it, in due time. We had every intention of blessing them with their favorite lunch routine… just today we had to start supper first. So we ask them to wait, be patient, and trust us as Mother, we will take care of their needs! We mumble to ourselves,

‘When have I not given you what you desire? Why do you worry that I will forget you this time? Or let you starve?’

And so it is with us. The light is there at the end of the tunnel we just have to keep walking. Keep reaching out for it. Never loosing communication or a relationship with our loving Father. Even while we are in our Garden of Gethsemane.

I spend so much of my time feeling guilty. When I’m suffering, I feel guilty for not buckling down and offering it up. I feel guilty to hate the suffering because  I know others are suffering much more than I. I feel guilty asking God what I really want to ask Him…to take it all away.

Then I remember, and you should too, that Christ himself- fully God and fully Man- asked His father to take it away.  What a profound act of humility! If Christ begged His father for this, then of course, I must also! Far from disappointing God, our ‘let this cup pass’ prayer is an incredible act of faith, of trust, of total dependence. It is declaring our littleness and weakness. Perhaps then it was my pride that bound me back from saying what was bursting forth on my heart,

“Lord! I cannot do this! You MUST take this from me! I am weaker than your weakest soul!”

Being reduced to such lowliness, rendering ourselves totally incapable is expressing confidence in the power of God. And it is there, in that moment, He so generously lavishes our souls with the balm of grace we need to endure.

Because He is a Father and what Father gives their children a stone when they ask for bread?

All of this has taught me something greater. That every single one of us has the same exact moment whether we share it or whether we keep it to ourselves. We all have those moments in our lives where we feel like we are crushed under the weight of our cross. We have to remember we are not called to be perfect. We have no control over anything. We are little, helpless, weak and that is beautiful.

Sometimes all I can do is clench my teeth and say ‘All for you Jesus’ ‘Jesus I trust in You’ but I keep saying it! When I feel like I am being overcome, I refocus, take one day at a time. Find the tiniest moment of peace. Even the tiniest moment can plant a small seed of gratitude. ” Yes! No one pooped in the tub today!” “Hooray! The sun is shining!”

Small seeds of gratitude grow joy and the joy is what squelches the fear.  Yes, there are so many things to be afraid of. Things that will happen that we cannot control. Kids will be sick, loves will be lost, someone will get hurt, disaster may strike, trials will come.

But I tell you, things are going to be okay. The Lord has brought us this far and he surely will not lead us astray at this point! Everything I have ever asked the Lord in prayer He has given me. I have to keep reminding myself, He has never denied me. All it takes is looking into my husband’s eyes to remember that. He is the face of my answered prayer. Our marriage is. Our children. Our home. How can I ever be afraid? God has provided for me always. Sometimes taking longer, but always fulfilling the desires of my heart. If not, He has changed those desires.

So even on the most difficult of days, still proclaim ‘Jesus I trust in You!’ just say it, even if you don’t feel it.  And then take a deep breath and be very very little in the arms of your Heavenly Father who will not leave any of His children alone and afraid. He will rescue you and arm you with all the grace you will need! And I assure you, most urgently, believe me…. He will answer the longings of your heart.

 

All for you, Jesus!

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7 thoughts on “Let This Cup Pass

  1. Awwww—-Annemarie…… I had no idea you had such a difficult time with baby Tommy! This blog puts so much in perspective! That’s what I always tell myself—–we have to put this in perspective. When Tom lost his job the first time, and we were 7 months pregnant with Gabriel, I knew we’d get through it. 1 year previous to that, we had given birth to a stillborn son. Job loss? Not a catastrophe! Perspective is EVERYTHING. I love your take on “Father, let this cup…” Wow! Definitely inspired by the Holy Spirit! Thank you so much for sharing your pain and how you got through it…….it couldn’t have been easy.

    Give everyone a hug from us! Carol & All

  2. Great post, my darling daughter. Intellectually speaking, we know that God can bring good out of all our sufferings… but it’s always such a blessing to see it in writing, that ray of hope piercing thru our biggest obstacle,ourselves. “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

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