What my kids say vs. What I hear

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1.       They say : “Mommy, when are you going to get dressed?”

I hear: “ You look old & tired. Put down that cup of coffee and get off the couch you lazy bum.”

2.       They say: “ Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mama? Mommmmmmmmm? Hey Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy??”

I hear:  Nails on a chalkboard.

3.       They say: “ No I want something else for dinner. Yuck!”

I hear:  “ Just because you watch Rachel Ray doesn’t mean you know how to cook. I can survive on bread alone (with butter).”

4.       They say:  “ Go away! I need privacy!”

I hear: “I am going to poop on the floor and make it look like an accident.”

5.       They say: “Puh-leeze! I just need some water before I go to sleep!”

I hear:   “ It’s so funny to see how easily you cry at 2am after I wet the bed.”

6.       They say: “One more book!”

I hear:  “ Don’t even kid yourself that I’m falling asleep anytime soon.”

7.       I say: “For the love, go play with your brother”

They say “ No Mommy, I want to stay here with youuuuuuuuu.”

I hear: “ I’m running an experiment to see how many times it takes to say the same thing over and over to you before you go nuts.”

8.      They say: “ Can I have more waffles? Can we go to Nanee’s? Can we watch some Kipper? Can you go get my baby doll stuff? Can we go outside? Can we go to the park?      Can we do a project? Can we fingerpaints? (all asked without breathing or pauses)

I hear: “ Can you do a headstand and sing the Star Spangled banner in Spanish while doing sign language with your feet?”

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Notes to my future self

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  1. After the birth of a baby, you are going to cry over everything from ordering the wrong pastries to the way the kitchen rug is crooked. It’s ok, you will feel normal again in about a week once the hormones have left your body. If they really ever do leave, that is…
  2. You will be hugely emotional constantly reminiscing the birth process, and thinking about how life is going by so fast and sobbing over the fact that these deliciously lovely babies will one day move out of your home. Not to worry, within a week you’ll be tripping over toys, peeling stickers off your refrigerator and listening to them suffocate  your brain with pleads of “Mommy! Mommy!Mooooommmmmmmmyyyyyy!!!”,  and  begging your husband “Wait, they ARE going to move out someday, right?!”
  3. Umbilical cord stumps are really nasty looking.
  4. I’m sure there are plenty of other Moms out there just as exhausted as you, so don’t freak out when you can’t figure out Blues Clues before your 3 year old. It’s not an accurate reflection of your intellect…I mean, seriously you went to college. Duh.
  5. Apparently a new study shows that Moms who ate chocolate or drank coffee every day have more laid back kids. So can you imagine how chilled out yours will be if you do both?? Bottoms up to that new Iced Mocha Latte at Dunkin.
  6. It is possible to get your white sofas white again. It’s called buying new couches.
  7. Letting your 2 year old son watch LOST with you does not mean you are a lazy parent it just means your grooming him with more superior survival skills than his Blues Clues watching sister. Seriously now, finding paw prints or hunting wild boar. You tell me what’s more useful in life.
  8. Coffee really doesn’t stunt their growth. Does it?
  9. Just because every time your son sees a cow he says “monkey” and when he sees a bear he says “moo” doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means you have a lot going on in your life right now. Like watching LOST.
  10. Hooray! Guess what? There actually is a carpet cleaner that can take hot pink marker out of a white carpet. (which brings us to….)
  11. Mom is always right. You must stop buying white furniture, tablecloths, curtains and carpets already. It’s suicide with toddlers.
  12. It’s not that you don’t have friends. It’s just that you keep forgetting to plug the darn phone back in after naps.
  13. Do not feel guilty about all those so called “children’s books” you hide that are longer than the Bible. Who the heck is the children’s author that writes these novels anyway? Clearly, they don’t read books to their kids at the end of a long day. Either that or they’re functioning on way more Mocha Lattes than you are.
  14. Likewise, don’t feel bad about all those musical toys you keep hiding behind the couch. It’s more important your kids have a Mom who’s sane and nothing makes you more insane than listening to “Elmo can use the potty” a bagillion times an hour.
  15. On that note. It’s time to put your foot down with the gift giving. Please, thanks but no thanks for the musical pianos, tickle me elmos, and other instruments of Mommy torture you give my kids. Also, a huge round of applause to the uncle who gave us the baby doll that pees, poops, and cries when it needs to eat. I now have justified reasoning for drinking wine at 8am.
  16. Lamaze comes in handy for pretty much any aggravating situation in life. Like when you finally take a shower for the first time all day at 6pm, hand off the kids to their father, stick a frozen pot pie in the oven and escape for a mere 8 minutes…only to get out of the shower to hear an obscene amount of hammering and a screaming newborn. Upon opening the bathroom door you find the two older kids are plucking “cherries” (ie: berried garland) apart and sprinkling it all over your bed and suddenly you’re overcome by the wafting smell of burnt food. Come to find out that apparently asking husband “can you watch them for a sec” translates to “now’s a good time to start a picture hanging project” and that yes, the world really doesn’t function without you. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth…think happy thoughts…repeat. If someone asks you (again) whether or not “this is your last baby” just send them the link to this post and laugh at them maniacally.
  17. Your great idea to let the kids watch nothing but musicals can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, they’re not watching cartoons and they’re learning how to carry a tune. On the other hand, your son now tap dances his way into the kitchen shouting “Gene Kelly!!!” any time the topic of Moses, Roses, or Toes(es) comes up.
  18. Ritually plucking the lone black hair that grows out of your chinny chin chin is not only recommended but entirely vital to your dignity, especially before leaving the house to food shop. Nobody wants to bump into the bearded lady involuntarily unless they’re at the county fair.
  19. Is mental exhaustion more painful than childbirth? I think so. About 5 times a day I think, ‘hmm I’d rather be in labor right now. At least after the agony of it all, I get to lay in bed watching tv and sipping apple juice for a few days. Plus someone would be changing MY diaper for a change.’

Second Time Around

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It’s kinda crazy, the way things are so different the second time around with kids. I can’t even believe how lax Camera Guy and I have gotten with things like baths, duration of wearing a soiled diaper, and matching socks. I mean, does that sound bad? I often wonder to myself if I am shorting Mr. Chubs on the baby-powdered perfectness of being a baby simply because I can’t keep up, or rather, simply because he was born second! You know what I’m talking about. I know you do. How everything is so clean, routined, simple, quiet, demure, and chill during round 1. You chuckle to yourself about how she gets "so messy" with her food, when "messy" is two rice crispies stuck to her chin. You hardly call the doctor because she’s just "so good" , never gets into anything. She gets fully bathed each night, complete with a blow dry and style. Bedtime routines happily take up to an hour of book reading, toe tickling and saying goodnight to everything in the house. Ah, then enters number 2 and your entire life gets flipped upside down. (I know all you Moms of 2 plus are laughing at me right now, but the abruptness of it all catches you off guard) Now, I mock my former self. Baths every night? Impossible. Have you seen two babies in the tub at the same time under the age of two? No way. Now baths are limited to a 3 step evaluation process: smell, sight and energy level. That would be, can I see food in your hair, can I smell food on you….and can I keep up with the both of you attempting to drown the other in water at the same time. I never saw myself like this! Oh the Mom-guilt! How can this be? We’ve left the house with no shoes on, eaten fast food on the way to the store, taken naps in the car, gone shopping without make up, we’ve let you stay up way past your bedtime, left you with a babysitter and actually said "It’s ok if she doesn’t go to sleep", (talk about desperate to go out!). I’ve put on Sesame Street so I could do laundry, cleaned faces by licking my finger and wiping the face, sometimes, when I can’t debate anymore what’s for dinner….I’ve let her eat cereal. We even did the seemingly impossible: stayed in a hotel room together, all of us, the baby too! (This, was the most unachievable scenario imaginable for us….we stupidly told each other, ‘They’ll wake each other up!’) Or the even more impossible: let them both nap in the same room. Or the even more "I will never be able to do that" : walking in and out of the room that they’re napping in! Or how about changing a diaper while nursing? That is, changing the diaper of the baby your nursing….in the middle of the night. How did this come to be that all those things we deemed impossible, ridiculous and avoidable the first time around….just aren’t? I know my mother in law, with her 10 kids, is finding this whole run around entirely humorous. All I can say is this: now I get it! And kudos to my mom-in-law, my mom, my grandmothers and all those women I know who have done it! Wow. It’s seriously the craziest thing ever! You really do have to just let go, and chalk it up to "well, I’m sure this has happened to someone…somewhere in the world before…" Eating bird poop? Rolling off the bed? ? Pooping on the dining room floor? Ah yes. Surely I’m not the only one…