Lies We Tell the Kids

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Dear Kids,

Well, I hope you are totally grown up and raising your own children when you read this. Because if you are, you can sympathize. If you aren’t, and you’re still living under my roof you might not be taking me too seriously anymore. So I might be shooting myself in the foot right now.

Listen, I’ve told you these “things” for your best interest. Your benefit. I’ve just tried to do the right thing. Unfortunately doing those things, er, rather getting you to do those things does involved a fair amount of fibbing. (Sigh) What I’m trying to say is: I don’t really believe or agree with everything I tell you, but I kind of have to say it anyway because Dr. Sears says so. And right now, we are in that phase of parenting where Dr. Sears is the Wizard of Oz to us. That and Dr. Google.

So I just want to clarify, mainly to just get it out there, what I really feel about some of these white lies.

1. Ok, I know I tell you “No, you’re only allowed to watch 2 shows a day…too much tv isn’t good for you.” But here’s the thing. I think 2 shows a day is stupid too. As soon as your in bed, we’ve got Hulu up faster than you can pitch a fit. Heck, do you know how awesome it is to be grown ups? I spent my whole childhood to get to this point in life: finally having complete and total control of my own remote control. I think every adult out there feels the same way, too. We built this though, we had to endure years of limited television exposure so that we could be smart, well adjusted adults who…honestly want to do nothing more at the end of the day than kick back and watch our shows. So I’m with ya on that one.

2. Food. Goodness gracious, it is so hard for me to tell you to eat your veggies first before another helping of noodles…when all I am doing behind your back is eating bowls of noodles before I even set the table. And in my head I’m thinking “Who could blame you? I hate eating salad too. Pass the bread, please!” Listen to me: Mommy is a carb-oholic and Daddy ate an entire box of chocolate covered potato chips by himself last week. So. It does get better, I promise.

3. A consequence of having you kids are these really awkward “naptime” lies I am forced to tell people because I’m so stinking desperate to keep you asleep. Lies like “Oh, our toilet isn’t working today” when really I mean “Sorry you stopped over to visit during my kids naps…but we don’t flush the toilet during naps because it will wake them up and I just had diarrhea. So. Toilet’s broken.” These lies can consequently have quite adverse effects if people don’t take you literally. Trust me. (ask Aunt Katie)

4.I really cringe each time I tell you that it’s silly to be afraid of the dark. That is one of my worst bold face lies because inside I’m screaming “Mommy is STILL afraid of the dark”. I purposely make Daddy sleep the closest to the door because I get so skiddy when its dark. Heck, I have an entire escape plan figured out if we ever get attacked during the night. (Which totally includes a strategically placed 2×4 under Daddy’s side of the bed) I freak myself out daily when I’m glued to a rocker glider at 2am nursing and the moonlight hits the scrunchie on the floor just the right way that I could swear it’s moving. All I do replay that Twilight Zone episode in my head (which is so, so stupid at 2 am)…the one with the little robot on the floor…and when your nursing and you can’t move or whimper lest you fully awake the baby, terrifying fear typically manifests itself in strange gastrointestinal grunts and sweating. So being afraid of the dark isn’t silly, at least not to me. But,I’d rather be the only one up worrying at night instead of all of us together…and so…I lie.

5. Lastly,the stupid age old “You need to go get some fresh air” one is my least favorite. I feel so bad on the days you guys don’t want to play outside and I convince you how good it is for you, how much healthier you’ll be…blah blah blah. I, for one, do perfectly fine with house air. In fact, I love it. Especially when it’s like 2 degrees outside and I’ve got Pride & Prejudice loaded up on the Netflix. So sorry for all those games of tag I made you play when you just wanted to color. And all the times I lured you outdoors with bubbles or made you ride bikes instead of “helping” me fold laundry. Lies, all of it. That and a little manipulation to exhaust you so you’d nap good.

So there, I got it off my chest. Even if you guys don’t read this for many, many years to come. I feel better clarifying these things with you. I want you to know I feel your pain, and I get it and mostly, I’m on your side. I don’t know who comes up with these rules anyway. They might not be fully human. I mean veggies? Fresh Air? No TV? Gimme a break, this is all we’ve been working to escape our whole lives! Don’t get any ideas too soon, though. The rules aint changing because I want you to turn out right. But I promise you, once you’re grownup, mature, and well adjusted (hahahaaaaaa) we can spend the entire day inside eating cookies and watching every Colin Firth movie ever made. Oh, and we can sleep with the lights on too!

Party in 2050!

Love,

Mommy

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Flour Power

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I went through two 5 lb bags of flour in one week! I’m sorry, but this is awesome! I like to use bags of flour as my barometer for how I’m doing in the honing of my homemaking skills. Some people have computer skills, or bow hunting skills but I am working on my homemaking skills. J Trust me, my intentions are certainly noble, but it’s going to take a lot more honing than I thought.

So about bags of flour as my barometer. If its taking me a really long time to use up flour, or I’ve forgotten where I put it then I know I haven’t been channeling my inner June Cleaver to well. Time to roll up my sleeves, crack open a cookbook and get down to business. Initially, it used to take some serious thought and effort on my part to get through that bag of flour. However, this year (so far)in only a week, I managed to whisk through two and find myself giddy with delight late last night as I finished off the bag. This was a good start to the year and I’m hopeful about the rest of 2011. What ever will the year bring? Dozens of cookies? Piles of pizzas? A blue ribbon at the county fair? Or just higher cholesterol? Who knows.

The fact of the matter is that what is driving me to bake in excess is my insatiable cravings for carbs. Always my downfall, always will be. Pasta, breads, muffins, cookies, cakes, pizza, biscuits…I have to stop myself before I get out of control. I snack constantly. What’s driven me to bake is that I can’t take how hard it’s been to find a decent “sweet snack” in the store. One that isn’t filled with preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils or excess sugar. But also one that doesn’t taste like a tire. I’m not looking for healthy, just something that can fill my sweet tooth craving but I don’t have to feel guilty about eating. Wait did I really just write “I’m not looking for healthy” ? Wow.

I was reading a Dr. Oz article the other week and he was saying that eating high amounts of carbohydrates (which = sugars) can triple women’s risk for heart disease but not mens. This shocked me. And it excited CG because now he saw all those snacks as his only. I immediately cut out the quote and taped it to the inside door of my snack cabinet. Along with a chart on the 5 warnings signs of a heart attack and how to avoid one.

“There! That’ll show me!” I proudly convinced myself that this would help me limit my consumption and make me choose better options for snacks like fresh veggies, fruit or nuts. I could be a ticking time bomb if I didn’t beware.

Yeah right. After about a week, the cabinet is still just as loaded with carbs as before and the only thing that quote is doing for me is giving me reading material while I stuff my face. Who really eats fresh veggies, fruits and nuts instead of some nutella on a cookie? C’mon people, lets be realistic. Or at least let me be realistic with myself. So I am.

Realistically, I thought of Gram Sue. She’s in her nineties, has survived the depression, World War II, and various ailments or physical setbacks. She’s witty, sharp as anything and full of vivaciousness. Gram Sue, just like anyone who grew up “back then” in the time of real food, didn’t worry about balancing out carbs & proteins, or limiting fats & sugars…they just ate everything in moderation. Gram Sue who is healthy as a horse you might be surprised to know stashes mallomars in her bread drawer and has a freezer filled with individual soft serve dishes (her little “soliders” as she dubbed them). This speaks volumes more to me. Everything in moderation. Also, make as much of it homemade as you can. Hence, the flour bags.

So I’m replacing that anti-carb quote with a more reasonable (and much less scary) one: Everything in moderation. I’m also vowing to load up on flour and only have homemade cookies in that cabinet. No more oreos! I had once thought that if I died an oreo-related death, it would be a good way to go. Definitely not. It’s going to at least be homemade cookies with some nutella on it.