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Because well, I’ve got to put something here. It’s been a while, Lord knows it. I’ve just been so out of it I can’t even speak a coherent sentence let alone write one. I have fragments and run-on sentences bouncing around in my brain forming nothing truly worth saying to all of you. Just snippets of crazy, ridiculous happenings and moments when one shares a life with some weird kids and a goofy husband.

Things like:

Well ok. So Princess and I kind of had our first tiff off ever. And it was because I yelled at her for pulling down her pants on my front lawn and “peeing” on my bush. Which ended up not being on the bush at all, but all down her legs, socks, and shoes. (Getting the smell of urine out of shoes = NOT FUN) Also, it’s not like she had on a dress or anything to cover her patootie. Nope. A t-shirt. Bare buns to the whole block. I started running towards her to shield her (and my) modesty, by flailing my arms shouting “PULL UP YOUR PANTS NOW!” and instead of , oh, I don’t know pulling up her pants …she began to run away from me shouting back “NO! IT’S NOT FAIR!” (A reference to younger brothers who get to pee standing up) Did I mention our house is on a corner? So we are pretty much in a fish bowl because we have 6 houses with their front windows facing my front lawn.  Call Jerry Springer somebody because there goes that wacko home schooled kid running around on the front lawn without pants on again.

Something else! Yes. Well, Camera Guy has high cholesterol. Did you hear this one? He does. So I’m helping him lower it by dishing him out different vitamins and supplements each morning. Apple Cider vinegar, I hear, does wonders. On Friday morning, I handed him his fish oil and garlic pills. Then I explained to him how the vinegar would help, but it’s really tough to drink straight so I’ll dilute some in a glass of juice for him. He cuts me off, scoffing at my somehow rude accusation against his manliness.

“I think I’ll be fine” He says smugly to me from way up high in his Armani business shoes looking down at me in my ragged pink bathrobe “Give it to me in a glass straight, I’ll show you how a man takes his Apple Cider Vinegar”

Quite eager to accommodate my lord’s snooty request, I measured out two tablespoons of vinegar into a glass and tossed it to him. The kids stood by watching the debacle as it unfolded.

We all watched as he tipped his head back briskly and dumped the tonic in. And we all gasped as he just as quickly clutched his throat and ran for my sink, filled with dishes and began dry heaving. The amount of gagging, coughing, hocking, drooling and moaning that then ensued made me think inwardly “Oh yes please, do show me how a man takes his Apple Cider Vinegar” But instead I just started shouting at him that he better not puke all over those dishes because we don’t have a dishwasher and I am NOT cleaning up man barf today.

As I instructed him to the nearest toilet and how to vomit into one, I held the bottle of vinegar in my hand and scanned the directions for the tonic quickly, when all of a sudden I screeched

“Ah! I am so sorry! It was supposed to be TEASPOONS not TABLESPOONS!”

“WHAAAAAAT?” He was still clutching his throat and tears were streaming down his face “MY THROAT IS ON FIRE!”

Well, I justified it that his cholesterol was pretty bad, so his guardian angel must have known he needed that much of it. Also, I told him I would rather have him dry heaving in a sink instead of me throwing dirt on his casket. He was fine, in case your wondering. A little overly dramatic and humbled but fine. The kids however are scarred beyond repair. That was what I used to put on their tongues if they talked nasty. Can’t imagine them ever talking nasty again. Not after that display. Win for all of us? We’ll see.

Anything else? Not that I can think of. Because all I can think of right now is a cup of tea and Netflix. That’s about as much brain activity that I can handle at this hour. This blog post did me in for the month.

Until next post, buy Apple Cider Vinegar and make your kids pee inside the house!

Mr. Fix- It

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Camera Guy does this thing when he gets bored. It involves taking apart different systems like electrical outlets or water pipes or trees that are pertinent to our home and trying to “fix” them.

It makes me crazy.

I understand that this is a common behavior among many men, and perhaps especially,those that are homeowners. I admire that trait, truly I do. Man’s desire to flex his testosterone by whacking something with a hammer brings them a satisfaction that I clearly cannot relate to. I imagine it is akin to the satisfaction we women feel when we get that sought after winter coat on the clearance rack, in our exact size for 75% off.

Still, men and home projects. It will never cease to amaze me, or rather, make me nuts. I had to ban Camera Guy from home improvement stores for a period of about a month when I realized he was cheating on me with Lowes.  It was a gradual realization. He would slip out infrequently to pick up an extension cord, or a pack of light bulbs on sale. Then the excuses started coming more often, nearly every couple of days. Everything led to “stopping by Lowes”.  Every minor situation at home ultimately warranted a “lets see what Lowes has”.

I really started getting suspicious when he would be on the Lowes website after work. Online shopping. Then our family time on Saturday came, and on several occasions,

“Why don’t we walk around Lowes?” Was the family outing suggested.

I should have known then what was happening. But oddly it sounded like a good idea. We went. And then one family trip led to more. And pretty soon I was able to see how it went, he walked around that store like I walked around H&M. Dazed and bedazzled by it all. Window shopping at everything from plywood to 6 Volt batteries. Meandering aimlessly up and down each and every aisle until I just couldn’t bear it any longer.

“We just need a ceiling fan dome! For the love, can’t we ask someone for help?”

That’s when I saw the seducing effect of it. He insisted he could find the domes. He positively refused to ask for help. After about a half hour, when I finally asked someone myself, promptly located the dome, picked one out and proceeded to purchase it I noticed the forlorn look of “its over” on his face.

Now clued into the process, I was able to realize just why he took so long each time he stopped at Lowes. On the next two occasions, I stayed in the car. Both times he took over an hour to locate 1 item. The first time I napped while he took the kids in (which I figured would keep things moving). He claimed the check out lines were long. I asked him if he asked for help locating the item. Nope. (Mental note)

The second time, he left me and the kids in the car about 15 minutes before the store closed (so it was way past the kids bedtime already). He pulled up to the fire lane, left us in the running car since it was freezing outside and ran in to get a shovel for the impending snowstorm. I assumed the store closing would get him in and out, as he insisted he would be. But no, an hour later…he came out with a shovel to a very grouchy me who was sitting in a freezing cold car with two screaming kids. The gas had run out while he was shopping. I needn’t say anything more, I didn’t even say anything to him when he got in the car. You could cut the tension with a knife, or a hand saw. He knew it was thin ice to be walking on.

When we got home I asked if he asked anyone for help. I knew what answer to expect. I learned that day  that men find it a huge blow to their manliness if they have to ask for “help” in the most manliest of man stores, Lowes. It’s like they believe they inherently possess the ability to track down every screw, saw, wiring kit or bolt cutter just because they are men. Makes me nuts.

The most recent hubbub that inspired this post was when he attempted to fix our water pipe that was only dripping. It was dripping ever so slightly, he began tinkering in the basement and next thing I knew, the pipe was broken and there was a lot of water in my basement. He shut the water off for the whole house and ran out to Lowes. I begged him to call a plumber, as we had guests staying with us. 12 hours later, and three more trips to Lowes, we still had no fixed pipe or water (or toilet!). It was on the brink of closing time for Lowes and when he realized he had bought the wrong pipe. Too late to make another trip, we’d have to wait until the morning.

My blood started boiling. No showers, no toilet, no sink…and we had company.

“Sorry guests, you’ll have to brush your teeth with the bottled water—refugee style. And don’t flush the toilet! So if you have to go big time, try to wait until morning. Thanks for visiting!”

I looked at him and asked him if he had asked someone for help in the store the previous 3 times he’d been in.

Of course not.

That was it. Men, dear men, dear husbands out there please I implore you please just swallow your pride and go to customer service if you can’t locate your item after 15 minutes! Nobody thinks less of you, nobody will judge you, we won’t think you are less capable of doing your job as a husband. I argue, we will think you are more capable! I think nothing would impress a wife more than I husband who can get the tools he needs the first trip, and complete his project as soon as possible.

And so, the next project was completed in a much more acceptable manner. Although it did warrant a last minute “gotta run to Lowes!” I nearly doubled over when he returned, with the correct item, in only a half hour.

“How is this possible?” I asked, blinking dumbly as I looked up from the book I was reading.

He shrugged his shoulders, “It wasn’t hard to find.”

“So… you’re saying… you asked someone?” I tried to squeeze it out of him.

“Yep. But I knew it was going to be in that aisle anyway” He still tried to fluff his peacock tail while admitting, asking for help was easier.

I sighed relief as I went back to my book and he finished his project.

Awesome. Mr. Fix-It, I must say, job well done!

A snapshot

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Well, today is Camera Guy’s birthday. I don’t want to seem silly but truly, I think the world of my guy! He just makes my cup runneth over!

Hey, if I ever needed an excuse to gush, let his birthday be it 🙂

How to describe him in a nutshell, in a brief blog post giving him due honor and gratitude to sharing his life & love with me? Well here goes:

The most self-giving person= letting me eat the last chips in the bag, even though he wants them

A true man of patience= not flinching when I pluck his eyebrows

A curious soul= for googling the history of everything right down to pleated pants

The diplomat= for being able to take my frazzled schedules and organize everything into color coated to-do lists

A hard worker= for commuting to NYC for work each day

A perfectionist= for tweaking almost anything crafty I do if it is crooked.

A man of good taste= for consistently "doctoring" up my food when I’m not looking

A relaxed person
= so relaxed, he can’t even open the hamper to put his clothes in, he just piles them on top

A funny man
= for the thousands of times he quotes Aladdin, or acts like Michael Scott (without even realizing it)

The romantic
= for leaving notes on the mirror or in coat pockets

A gentleman= for insisting on carrying every diaper bag and child when we’re out

A forgetful one= for always asking me where his GPS, car keys, Blackberry or anything else I hardly use is.

So well intentioned of a guy
= for suggesting he get up with the kids in the middle of the night, quite enthusiastically. And attempting to do so makes him a

Brave guy= for truly trying to get the team back to sleep until he is

A humble man= for crawling back to bed and surrendering (in shock)

All in all, he is a truly great man, an honorable person to be with, a true example to me of so many virtues I fall short of. I can’t think of a better friend, companion or soul mate then he. On this his birthday, I thank his parents for raising such an incredible person and for sharing him with me. Hey Camera Guy, Happy Birthday! You’re another year older but you’ve got a new year ahead of you to grow holier, happier, and hopefully get more sleep!

*Of course, this post was submitted a week after his birthday. It wouldn’t be from me if it wasn’t late! Ha.*