Speaking of what sells….

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CSS_Company_LogoBig news over here! Chicken Soup for the Soul bought one of my stories! We are going to be published! Can you believe it? This is a dream come true… quite literally one of my life goals so I am beyond excited. I have been reading Chicken Soup books for as long as I can remember, some of those stories have impacted my life so much that I still reference them to this day.

I am so very honored to have had a story chosen, from thousands of other submissions (they said so!) and it’s all because of you readers out there, I couldn’t have done it without your support and encouragement— thank YOU. You keep me blogging when I can’t even keep my eyes open.

Now, I’m not going to tell you which story it was that they picked (my last post should tip you off enough…) but the book will be available to purchase nationwide on March 18th! If you like reading here, or if your just my friend, or an internet stalker… then go out and buy it and tell all your friends, too! You can pre-order on Amazon now by clicking here.

  • also! I have a “page” for the blog on Facebook now! (no. I am not on it, it’s just a page for updates synced with my Twitter. ) So like us on Facebook for more updates and please share us with your friends! Click here to like us!

Oh ! Did  I tell you the title? It’s the “Multi-Tasking Mom’s Survival Guide” Fitting, huh? Actually, I haven’t the least idea how to survive beyond ear plugs and coffee so I can’t wait to get my hands on that baby myself!

Gosh. I just want to ask you to join in a virtual happy dance with me right now because I am giddy beyond measure! <<<(no amount of exclamation points could possibly convey)   Like a complete nerd, I just keep salivating at the fact that on March 18th I can bust down the doors of my local Barnes & Noble  find my name in print there! Eeep!

I would be remiss if I didn’t credit my ever-chattering Italian family, especially my parents, who are so well versed in the art of storytelling, that they made aspirations of writing an attainable desire. Thank you! And  of course to my patient, super encouraging husband and oh, those three kiddos. Thank you, you mashuganas!  I can honestly say, without any hesitation, that I have never been more grateful for flatulent children that I am today.

(((((big smiles from Wisconsin))))

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What sells more than controversy? Poop.

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Even thoughSanta? Imagination? Wait how religious are you? was such a hit (lol) It’s sad, but it’s true. Especially to stay at home moms like me. I see a heated debate about NFP or Kris Kringle and I’m  all in on reading it, but I see a story about a mom who took a walk with three little kids, got lost, couldn’t find a bathroom, somehow got stuck riding a train with these lunatics, one of which crapped his pants while she was holding him…..and I am jumping for joy

“Yes! That’s what I am talking about! My life is full of poop too!”

Yep. That story wasn’t actually true, it was my dream from last night though. The entire dream I was looking at my hand going

Oh my god. There is diarrhea on my hand. It’s on my hand. How have I come this far in life to have diarrhea on my hand?”

Isn’t it bad enough I have to deal with this crap (pun intended) all day long, do I seriously need to be dreaming about it too? And here’s the truth, and I know every single Mommy out there can raise a hand in solidarity with me when I relate to you my afternoon last week:

Today I wanted to write my blog post. It seems as though fate is against me. After I wasted away most of my morning dressing up the kids and posing them as famous movie scenes (please view Instagram) I decided to feed them lunch. They wanted cereal which was easy for me and I figured I’d soon be on my merry way typing for my blog. But then, Princess knocked over the entire bowl of cereal until there was a lactose river of bliss flowing through every crack and crevice on my kitchen floor, and under the seat cushions that are screwed into our kitchen chairs.

In the time that I decided that I indeed was going to have to mop (sigh) and actually getting the mop, Princess had managed to wet her pants, hide them, and run around my house sans underwear. Once we retrieved the soiled linens, deposited them in the washer, and got the mop upstairs all the kids went down to the basement to play.

Right as I was starting to mop I heard yells and shouts coming from the basement bathroom. The words “lots of water” “poop” “Chubs flushed” rang through our house and I cringed and started my Lamaze exercises.  The clocked proved so far that only about 23 minutes had passed since the milk incident. I calmed myself, went down to the netherworld basement bathroom where I smelled strong aromas of a stinkier nature.  “It’s poop again” I muttered to myself as I peeked into the bathroom, gagged, then sprinted up the stairs to do some serious self-talk through. “You can do this”.

By some miracle, literally seconds later Camera Guy walked in for lunch, which I offered to him on terms that he would address the poop situation. Kids were still playing in the basement. After Camera Guy left for work again, I called the troops up for naptime and as I was hopeful, blog writing time. As Little Guy began his ascent up the steps I once again smelled poop. And also noticed he had thoughtfully removed his pants, and his diaper. After some more muttering and self-talk “It’s POOP AGAIN” I was absolutely delighted to noticed Little Guy’s white onesie was now brown, his legs were covered, and numerous little nuggets of joy were scattered in a trail from whence he came.

So you see, I really wanted to do some awesome, life changing blogging today and I wanted it to be different from all the other stories I write, but alas, as hard as I may try to avoid it: poop is my lot in this life.

———-

And even as I relate this delectable incident to you, I will have to excuse myself from wrapping this post up because I hear  one toddler sifting through my kitchen trashcan and another one screaming “WIPE ME” from the bathroom.

Ta Ta.

Rambling(s)

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Because well, I’ve got to put something here. It’s been a while, Lord knows it. I’ve just been so out of it I can’t even speak a coherent sentence let alone write one. I have fragments and run-on sentences bouncing around in my brain forming nothing truly worth saying to all of you. Just snippets of crazy, ridiculous happenings and moments when one shares a life with some weird kids and a goofy husband.

Things like:

Well ok. So Princess and I kind of had our first tiff off ever. And it was because I yelled at her for pulling down her pants on my front lawn and “peeing” on my bush. Which ended up not being on the bush at all, but all down her legs, socks, and shoes. (Getting the smell of urine out of shoes = NOT FUN) Also, it’s not like she had on a dress or anything to cover her patootie. Nope. A t-shirt. Bare buns to the whole block. I started running towards her to shield her (and my) modesty, by flailing my arms shouting “PULL UP YOUR PANTS NOW!” and instead of , oh, I don’t know pulling up her pants …she began to run away from me shouting back “NO! IT’S NOT FAIR!” (A reference to younger brothers who get to pee standing up) Did I mention our house is on a corner? So we are pretty much in a fish bowl because we have 6 houses with their front windows facing my front lawn.  Call Jerry Springer somebody because there goes that wacko home schooled kid running around on the front lawn without pants on again.

Something else! Yes. Well, Camera Guy has high cholesterol. Did you hear this one? He does. So I’m helping him lower it by dishing him out different vitamins and supplements each morning. Apple Cider vinegar, I hear, does wonders. On Friday morning, I handed him his fish oil and garlic pills. Then I explained to him how the vinegar would help, but it’s really tough to drink straight so I’ll dilute some in a glass of juice for him. He cuts me off, scoffing at my somehow rude accusation against his manliness.

“I think I’ll be fine” He says smugly to me from way up high in his Armani business shoes looking down at me in my ragged pink bathrobe “Give it to me in a glass straight, I’ll show you how a man takes his Apple Cider Vinegar”

Quite eager to accommodate my lord’s snooty request, I measured out two tablespoons of vinegar into a glass and tossed it to him. The kids stood by watching the debacle as it unfolded.

We all watched as he tipped his head back briskly and dumped the tonic in. And we all gasped as he just as quickly clutched his throat and ran for my sink, filled with dishes and began dry heaving. The amount of gagging, coughing, hocking, drooling and moaning that then ensued made me think inwardly “Oh yes please, do show me how a man takes his Apple Cider Vinegar” But instead I just started shouting at him that he better not puke all over those dishes because we don’t have a dishwasher and I am NOT cleaning up man barf today.

As I instructed him to the nearest toilet and how to vomit into one, I held the bottle of vinegar in my hand and scanned the directions for the tonic quickly, when all of a sudden I screeched

“Ah! I am so sorry! It was supposed to be TEASPOONS not TABLESPOONS!”

“WHAAAAAAT?” He was still clutching his throat and tears were streaming down his face “MY THROAT IS ON FIRE!”

Well, I justified it that his cholesterol was pretty bad, so his guardian angel must have known he needed that much of it. Also, I told him I would rather have him dry heaving in a sink instead of me throwing dirt on his casket. He was fine, in case your wondering. A little overly dramatic and humbled but fine. The kids however are scarred beyond repair. That was what I used to put on their tongues if they talked nasty. Can’t imagine them ever talking nasty again. Not after that display. Win for all of us? We’ll see.

Anything else? Not that I can think of. Because all I can think of right now is a cup of tea and Netflix. That’s about as much brain activity that I can handle at this hour. This blog post did me in for the month.

Until next post, buy Apple Cider Vinegar and make your kids pee inside the house!